


i still haven't found what i'm looking for

by cobblestaubrey



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29710692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: “Sometimes I wonder what name is gonna be on his wrist,” Kade mumbles, letting his elbows balance on his knees, keeping his head up with his palms.“It’s gonna be yours,” Kandy leans over to pat his knee, shaking him from his reverie. “Whoever that tall glass of water is, he's looking for Kade.”He snorts, letting his eyes lazily drag across the football field. “He’s not looking hard enough.”
Relationships: Gottmik/Olivia Lux
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	i still haven't found what i'm looking for

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this on and off since the beginning of January but it was just SO hard for me to figure this one out. 
> 
> But yeah, I mean, it took me a while here to start, bc i felt awkward writing M/M RPF just bc idk but the season 13 girls seem pretty open to anything so I guess it's fine. If they want people to not do this i'll take it down.
> 
> Being a trans man, there's very little fanfiction about trans men, and seeing Mik on my screen, talking about her scars and dysphoria, i HAD to write this. I HAD to! 
> 
> Also I love how Olivia and Mik interact and Mik's coming out thing in episode 2 so. Yeah. This is a long time coming.
> 
> I wanna thank drivingmecrazy as always for pushing me and making sure i didn't give up on this story bc i really wanted to bc it was hard LOL <3 love her so much

“Sometimes I wonder what name is gonna be on his wrist,” Kade mumbles, letting his elbows balance on his knees, keeping his head up with his palms. He stares past the metal bleachers across from his own, past the tips of the pines, and watches the sun set far too early on his afternoon. 

“It’s gonna be _yours_ ,” Kandy leans over to pat his knee, shaking him from his reverie. “Whoever that tall glass of water is, he's looking for _Kade_.” 

He snorts, letting his eyes lazily drag across the football field. “He’s not looking hard enough.” 

“He might’ve got lost,” Kandy laughs, right in the back of her throat, and it’s not even that funny, but Kade has to laugh. “He’s got a billion years to find you, anyway.”

“Maybe I’ll _finally_ look my age by the time he does.” He laughs a little, but all jokes are rooted in some truth.

Kandy rolls her eyes, leaning her back against the cool bleachers. “You haven’t been lookin’ either, you know.”

He shrugs, tapping his hands against his knees, just visible through his ripped jeans. “I… I have.”

“You know twelve people at this school.” 

Kade stays silent.

“You bitch, why are you so scared?”

He grimaces, but tries to make it look like a smile, because this really, _really_ sucks. “‘Because it’s fucking _scary_ ,” he sighs, dipping his neck so his face lands right into his hands. He shakes his head, sighing once more. “I don’t know.”

He scuffs the toe of his sneaker against the metal, letting the sound reverberate around him. It’s a cool, November day, where the wind kisses his cheeks gently, letting them redden along with the tip of his nose. He tugs at the zipper of his hoodie, pulling it up further. Kandy’s got her phone blasting at top volume, but it’s not loud enough for either of them. He can barely make out the lyrics, but it’s something, something, love, something, something, and that’s enough for him to be thinking about it all over again.

Soulmates are scary. 

Since the day he was born, he’s had someone else’s name tattooed on his wrist, and he’s supposed to love that person more than he could love anyone in this whole world. 

He needs to change the subject, _now_. “What about yours?” He reaches forward to tap at Kandy’s wrist, letting her eyes look down to the name, _Kristian_. 

They never really talk about this shit, because it sucks being so young and helpless, and having the internet be no help when you have no last name to go with it. 

That’s why it’s no surprise when Kandy scoffs, flicking her wrist like it’s no big deal. “I got shit I want to do. I’ll find him when I find him.”

“That’s _so_ much better, why can’t I feel like that?” 

Kandy shrugs, smirking off to the side. “Someone’s gotta keep you in line.” She cackles as loudly as possible, barely avoiding Kade’s fist, which was heading lightly towards her shoulder. Her laugh carries on, as she barely gets out - “Can’t believe there’s a million names and you got _Freddy_.” 

“Fuck off!” Kade has to laugh at that. 

He’s spent his entire life picturing _Freddy_ , but only around half of his life picturing _himself_ with Freddy, as opposed to just some blurry idea of a person. He just hopes that when the time comes, his soulmate won’t be so disappointed with him. 

Soulmates are supposed to be this perfect match, but Kade still feels a little too short, a little too awkward, and just a little too old to still hear his voice crack when he gets too loud. It sucks, a _lot,_ but at least he’s got friends who don’t let him dwell on it for too long.

Speaking of which -

“ _Ow!_ ” A shove from Kandy is like a dodgeball to the side. Maybe he’d be able to avoid it if he stopped getting so lost in his own thoughts, but it’s hard not to let it all get to him.

“We’re getting out of here,” Kandy basically forces him up by his hoodie strings, letting him stumble around the bleachers until they reach the bottom. 

“To where?” 

“Somewhere you can’t stare into the sun.”

His stride grows longer so he can just barely catch up to her, rolling her eyes. “I wasn’t staring at the sun!” 

* * *

The weekend passes in a blur of history textbook pages and half pushups in his bedroom that do nothing but still make him feel better. He has to do his shot on Sundays, and he simultaneously dreads it and looks forward to it. 

His mom buys him a new shirt, which is nice, but he’s never sure if he’ll like a shirt come the morning.

Soon enough it’s Monday again, and then it’s Monday afternoon, and then the final bell rings. It felt so slow, until it all caught up to him, so now he’s wondering where the day went, until Kandy grabs his wrist.

“Wha-?” He barely gets out, before she drags him down the hallway, laughing like a rusty pipe and ignoring the looks of all of the students going the other way. 

Suddenly, they’re in front of the library doors, which he’s been in maybe once in his school career willingly. 

“The GSA meets here,” is all Kandy offers, before she goes to shove open the door.

“Fuck that!” Kade grabs her backpack, pulling her out of the entrance. “Why are we joining the GSA?”

Kandy looks at him like he’s stupid, and now he actually feels stupid, which is unfair because they’re _both_ the stupid ones in this friendship. “To find Freddy!”

“You think I’m gonna walk in there, and meet my soulmate,” he deadpans, “Just like that.”

“Now you’re making me sound stupid,” Kandy mumbles.

“It is stupid!” He throws his arms up, letting his voice get a little too shrill for his own liking. It repeats in his head a few times, until Kandy speaks up once more.

“Just try.”

Kade crosses his arms, leaning on one of his legs to think. “Fine. But if _one_ girl calls me a ‘soft uwu trans boi’ I’m leaving.”

“Deal.” 

He finally lets Kandy bounce inside, pulling him along like she sort of always does (he doesn’t mind it, actually, because it means less decisions for him). Something hits him as he walks through the door, a strong shudder going through his body, but he blames it on the air conditioner the older librarian is blasting.

There’s a _lot_ of people, but not a lot of guys, which, surprisingly, disappoints Kade. For maybe just one, stupid second, he thought maybe - it’s whatever.

He should know not to get his hopes up.

Kandy pulls out a chair from one of the empty tables, right at the edge so they can both scan the room. They’re trying to be discreet, but neither of them have much tact, and they’ve already brought attention to themselves by being new.

After a moment of trying to hide his wandering eyes by bending his neck this way and that, he finally notices one guy, sitting in the back corner of the rows of tables, with the smallest smile on his face. It’s so barely there, yet it somehow lights up the entire room. He’s got some silly beret on his head, and a rugby shirt with a collar almost popped, like it’s an accident he hasn’t noticed yet, but Kade feels like he’s seen him somewhere.

The club advisor, some science teacher he’s never had, starts talking, which is good. The last thing Kade wants is to be caught staring two minutes into his first meeting.

But it’s so hard to pull his eyes away once he sees the guy scrunch his nose at a stupid joke the club’s President makes. He’s helpless to himself, unable to move.

Kandy elbows him, making him jolt. At this point, it feels like every embarrassing thing he could do today, he _will_ be doing.

“He’s _cute_ ,” she rasps, leaning her head slightly in the other guy’s direction.

Despite what anyone says, dysphoria is never a twenty-four seven feeling. For moments, he forgets about all of the stupid body stuff, and the shots, and the surgeries, and the fact that he’s a guy by any definition of the word to only about half of the world. 

It’s hard, when that all crumbles away, and he remembers.

He’s not the most confident guy, but he’s secure in a way he never thought he’d be. It just fucking _sucks_ , knowing that even if that boy over there thinks Kade is the cutest guy he’s ever seen, sometimes that’s not enough to bypass all the other shit.

But he looks so _pure_ , and so _nice_ , and _so gorgeous_ -

Then, the world stops.

_“Freddy, do you have those posters?”_

The table starts rocking, like this incredible discovery has shaken the earth to its core, but he looks to his left and realizes Kandy heard the name, too. She’s all sorts of excited for him, which warms his heart, but that’s when he realizes said heart is beating a thousand billion miles per minute.

“That’s him,” Kandy whispers, her eyes wide, like she can’t quite believe her idea worked herself. “That’s _him_.”

His head is still reeling, because what are the chances Freddy’s got “Kade” written on his wrist? Kandy begins lifting herself out of her seat, squinting her eyes to try and see any resemblance of his name on the boy’s wrist. He’s too far away, so it’s fruitless, but he’s thankful that she tried

“What do I do?” he hisses, ducking his head.

Kandy holds up a finger, before she begins laughing, much, _much_ louder than she needs to. She slaps him on the shoulder jovially, but it still hurts because she’s fucking _strong_. “Oh my God, _Kade_.” 

It’s instant. 

Freddy stops digging in his backpack for the posters he’s looking for, his head popping up and darting around the room. He’s looking for something, for someone, for his _soulmate_.

Kade wants to put his head in his hands, or hide under the table, because his cheeks are burning up, but Kandy is _still laughing and saying his name._

Finally, he works up the courage to make eye contact.

He can’t make sense of poetry most of the time, but suddenly all those cliche things about explosions and fireworks and love, it all makes sense, but it’s _more_ than that. It’s like that joy of telling a joke and making everyone laugh, or coming home after a long day and sitting in his bed, and letting his covers absorb him. 

It’s nothing like he’s ever felt, though, if he really thinks about it. None of that shit is anything like what he knows now. 

The boy - _Freddy_ \- reaches up to mess with his beret, before taking a deep breath and carefully making his way around the tables.

The rise and fall of his chest sync in time with Kade’s own. He’s not sure if that’s a soulmate thing or if they’re both on the verge of panic attacks, but it _does_ act as a weird source of comfort.

“Hi,” Freddy breathes out. His voice is raspy and high, and _beautiful._ It’s the winter months that let him layer on his clothing, wrapped in the embrace of fabric. It’s the way the plaster on his ceiling draws out his initials. It’s the voice of his soulmate, and his soulmate is beautiful. 

He swallows just one more time. “Hi,” his voice is shaky underneath the weight of his words and the moment, but he pushes forward. “I’m Kade.”

Freddy reflexively reaches for his own wrist, rubbing the four letters that swirl on his skin. He had read stories before, about trans people and the names on their partners' wrists, but deep down that fear never left, that another name would be there.

But he was wrong. There it is, clear as day, _Kade_ , written in his terrible, scratchy writing on that poor boy's wrist.

“I’m Freddy, but, I’m sure you already knew that.”

There are a few eyes on them now, Kade can feel it, but he shakes away the rest of the world. Standing up, he makes his way closer to Freddy. 

It’s a little like breathing again.

* * *

“They’ll understand,” Kade laughs, pulling Freddy by his wrist down the hall. 

After staring at each other silently for maybe a little too long, Kade knew he had to leave, and Freddy was coming with him. 

It's a shock, he actually has to thank Kandy after this for her stupid idea that _worked!_ He can barely stop himself from jumping up like a giddy school boy and clicking his heels together (he does refrain, though, because that would be _way_ too embarrassing).

He brings Freddy into one of those rooms that just has a staircase going up into the next floor, knowing there’s enough space and privacy under the steps for both of them.

It’s not awkward - the feeling of Freddy’s knee just barely touching his own, their shoulders brushing - but Kade knows he needs to say something soon.

Anything.

“I’m- I’m trans. I’m a trans guy.”

Okay. Maybe not the ‘anything’ he was going for, but, uh, good enough.

Freddy nods, his nose scrunching the tiniest bit, but he doesn’t look mad or disappointed. “Okay.”

There’s a pause, because obviously Freddy is now walking on eggshells. He doesn’t want that for either of them.

The quietness overwhelms Kade. “You can ask - anything you want. I won’t mind. You should know.”

Freddy shrugs, tapping his hands against his knees. “Are you- Uh... Hm.”

He has to laugh, because his fucking _soulmate_ is being so unnecessarily polite, and _cute_. “ _Well_ , I’m on hormones.”

“Right.”

“I haven’t had top surgery yet, but I’m scheduled for the day after I turn eighteen.”

Just the thought of that day sends electricity through Kade’s body, making his leg bounce against the linoleum floors. 

“When’s your birthday?”

“August 19th.”

Freddy pauses, mulling it over, before speaking again. “So, you’re a Leo?”

Kade scoffs, but his lips curve into a smile. “Really?”

“I mean, it’s like,” the other boy starts rubbing the back of his neck, trying to put together a real sentence. “It’s not that I don’t _care,_ because I care about _you_ , and, and your transition and you being happy. But, this isn’t a deal breaker or anything. You know that, right?”

“You care about me?” A smile he’s desperately trying to stop from getting too big starts forming on Kade’s face. 

“You’re my _soulmate_.” 

Freddy says it with such reverence, such _power_ , it knocks the wind out of Kade. 

“Even if you don’t believe in that stuff, I could _feel_ it when you walked into that room.”

“I do,” Kade blurts out. “I felt it, too.” He wants to say more, explain that shiver down his spine, his inability to rip himself away from Freddy’s dark eyes and beautiful smile.

But he doesn’t know how, so he just rubs his hands against his jeans, trying to dry them, before he takes Freddy’s in his own. He wonders for a moment if he should have asked first, but the smile on the other boy’s face is all the answer he needs.

“Was it hard?” 

“It was the _worst_ ,” he laughs, even though it really sucked at the beginning. He’s buzzing, knowing he can talk about this with his _soulmate_ , and look back and _laugh_ at how much it hurt. “But now? Now, it’s the easiest and most natural thing I can do.”

"That's awesome," Freddy's bright smile worms its way into his heart faster than he could ever expect. “Were your parents cool about it?”

“Not at first, but they love me, so, they got used to it.”

“Yeah I get that,” Freddy breathes out, squeezing Kade’s hand softly. “I told my parents I knew my soulmate would be a boy. They asked if I was sure, but I guess I was right.” 

That’s euphoric, for sure, but the way Freddy is looking at him right now surpasses that, just by a smidge. He didn't even think it was possible, but yeah, his mom was right. Soulmates are a whole different league of thoughts and feelings. It's a high he's only experienced a few times before, but better because he _thinks_ he's keeping all his braincells this time.

It occurs to him that he’ll maybe have someone besides his parents there after his surgery, now. Someone at his bed side, changing the bandages over his new chest. 

Someone who he can celebrate with when he finally grows some fucking facial hair, or if his voice ever drops another few notes. 

That’s all coming at some point, and it’s exciting, but somehow the best part is that he’ll be sharing it all with his _person_. 

Suddenly, he wonders if Freddy is looking forward to anything as well. If he could maybe be a part of Freddy’s something-special.

Clearly he’s been lost in his thoughts too long, because Freddy speaks again, faintly.

“I’m so happy you found me,” Freddy murmurs, closing his eyes and leaning her head on Kade’s shoulder. The weight is light, but something about it feels heavy, like this moment will define the rest of Kade’s life. 

“Me too,” Kade’s voice cracks just a bit, and he should hate it, but there are tears in his eyes, and he doesn’t care. He reiterates the sentiment, mostly for himself, because it's beautiful. "I'm so happy I found you."

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there it is. Yee! Tell me what you think below!


End file.
